Here is that game plan: Do not dare send them a "happy birthday" text. " text to someone you once dated/boned/were in love with/whatever seems perfectly inoffensive, you are wildly out of touch.
(If you’re a guy and don’t think we actually do this—well, okay.
You can think that.) This is the text message category containing anything sent after midnight—and also any time before 10 a.m. Neither works out in your favor, because at the end of the day, they already broke up with (you at least once), or they’re really happy with someone that isn’t you and never will be you.
You shouldn’t have to send text messages for someone to notice you.
And sometimes we miss people who want to give us the attention we deserve while we’re busy crafting the perfect text.
Bury your phone in the dirt for 24 hours if you must.
Because the actual best birthday present you can give to any ex is to leave them the hell alone.No texts, no e-cards, no Edible Arrangements baskets, no nothing. And by "friends," I mean this ex must be someone you interact with at least three to four times a month with zero drama.Just let them enjoy their special day the way they want to — completely without you. Like, if they texted you out of the blue on a Wednesday afternoon, you wouldn't feel the need to screenshot the text and forward it to all of your friends to say, "OMG, WTF, WHY IS HE TEXTING ME??!?If you're very lucky, your garbage ex will return the same favor to you.None of my friends would probably believe me if I said I didn’t choose to write about five text messages a person might regret sending—mostly because I’ve been known to send a few in my day. That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it was once suggested someone buy me a flask that said, “I didn’t text you, vodka texted you.” You have to laugh at yourself, right? Otherwise, people will eventually think you’re crazy; or, perhaps, that you have a drinking problem.There's no such thing as an altruistic "happy birthday! Mostly because an ex can never just say "happy birthday! A birthday text from an ex always comes with a side of something horrible, like: "..I hope you're doing well, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]" or, "know it's been a while since we talked but..." At best, you can muster up the grace and courage to politely respond, "Thanks! But at the very worst, your birthday — the one day a year it's totally acceptable to celebrate yourself and be selfish! I can understand the impetus to say happy birthday to an ex, especially a serious one who you experienced at least one birthday with. If you say happy birthday, they might not respond, or worse, they might respond with a cold "Thanks." This would all be much easier if there was just an established rule for this situation.